Just Another Day At the Zoo
by The Kilt Gals
Summary: This is a play that has no point. Harry and Ron work at the Magical Creatures Zoo. Ron makes a wish that all the animals on Earth wouldn't exist... COMPLETE
1. Scene 1

**Scene 1**

Narrator: It started off like any other week - a sweltering summer day, and Harry and Ron still continued in their awful jobs at the Magical Creatures Zoo.  
  
Mr. Stevens: (screaming) Ron! Harry! I told you to clean the Clabbert cages an hour ago! Get to work!  
  
Ron: Sorry, Mr. S.  
  
Harry: It won't happen again, sir.  
  
Mr. Stevens: Make sure that it doesn't, or you'll get another pay cut!  
  
Narrator: Harry and Ron are Hogwarts dropouts. They work at the Magical Creatures Zoo only so they can pay the rent on their roach-infested bachelor pad.  
  
Ron: I'm so tired of kissing up to that bald-headed loser.  
  
(Harry and Ron move over to the Clabbert cage and begin to clean it).  
  
Harry: So am I, Ron, but Mr. Stevens isn't bald, you know...  
  
Ron: Oh... I knew that...  
  
(Two girls and a boy walk over to Harry and Ron while they are cleaning the Clabbert cage).  
  
Narrator: Blaise, Pansy, and Draco were the evil, nasty, bullying Slytherins from Hogwarts. They had made fun of Harry and Ron ever since first year, when Ron peed his pants.  
  
Blaise: Awwwww, Clabberts are so cute!  
  
Pansy: Hey, Ron, is that one of your brothers?  
  
Draco: He has enough of them! But maybe it's his sister!  
  
(Blaise, Pansy, and Draco walk away, laughing).  
  
Harry: I can't stand those jerks! It was first year!  
  
Ron: What was first year?  
  
Harry: Never mind, Ron...  
  
Narrator: A little girl walks over to Harry and Ron.  
  
Happy Zoo Visitor: (Points to a sign on the Mackled Malaclaw cage) Hey, mister, what does this sign say?  
  
Ron: It says m-ma-m-mackl-mackled... mal-mal-mala...malaclaw! This thing's name is Malcalaclaw!  
  
Happy Zoo Visitor: Thanks, mister!  
  
Happy Zoo Visitor's Mom: (buying lemonade and drops it) Janie, get away from that strange man! (Takes Janie away and lectures her).  
  
Harry: Man, you are dumb! It doesn't say Malcalaclaw, it says Malalacla Maclaw. His name is two words.  
  
Ron: Oh, yeah...  
  
Narrator: Luna Lovegood walks by carrying two buckets of cheese to a new part of the Zoo.  
  
Luna: (walking by with the buckets) Hey Ron! Hey Harry!  
  
Harry and Ron: (Wave back to Luna) Hey, Luna!  
  
Harry: (to Ron) Did you hear the news? They brought in a Crumple-Horned Snorkack today. Let's go check it out.  
  
(Harry and Ron walk over to the tank and read the sign).  
  
Ron: (disgusted) Skippy. What a dumb name... it reminds me of peanut butter...  
  
Harry: Another dumb animal with another dumb name that we have to take care of...  
  
Ron: (sarcastically) Fun...  
  
Harry: I wish there were no such thing as animals.  
  
Ron: Me too, they are such a pain in the neck to take care of. They should have never been invented.  
  
(Blaise, Pansy and Draco, carrying a sack, begin to sneak up on Harry and Ron).  
  
Harry: Dude, they weren't invented, they came off of Noah's Ark.  
  
Ron: Wow, really? That's so cool!  
  
Blaise: Think fast!  
  
Narrator: Pansy and Draco throw sacks of fresh Clabbert poop at Harry and Ron, who fall backwards into Skippy's tank. Harry gets out and pulls Ron out of the water.  
  
Ron: (screaming) I can't swim, I can't swim!  
  
Harry: Ron, I pulled you out 30 seconds ago. Chill.  
  
Ron: (embarrassed) Oh...  
  
Draco: See ya later, losers.  
  
Blaise and Pansy: (simultaneously) Loser!  
  
(Blaise, Pansy and Draco walk off, laughing again).  
  
Narrator: Blaise, Pansy and Draco leave their fun of tormenting Harry and Ron, to go train the Erumpents. Harry and Ron decide to finish cleaning the Clabbert cage and leave, too.  
  
(Harry and Ron go back to the Clabbert cage).  
  
Harry: (looking around the cage) Yo, Ron, look! The Clabberts want to play hide-and-go-seek.  
  
Ron: (Looking around the zoo) _All_ of the animals are playing hide-and-go- seek.  
  
Harry: Woah! The only one that isn't is Skippy.  
  
Ron: _What_ about peanut butter?  
  
Harry: Nevermind. Let's go back home. Let Mr. Stevens play hide-and-go- seek with the animals.


	2. Scene 2

** Scene 2**

Narrator: The next morning, Harry and Ron show up for work and are surprised.

Mr. Stevens: What happened to all of the animals? Blaise, Pansy and Draco said that you two were the only ones here when they left yesterday, and this morning all of the animals are missing except for Skippy! I had Cho, (proudly) my new assistant, trying to find out where you two went!

(Harry and Ron look at one another, shocked).

Ron: We don't know where all of the animals are, sir. When we left yesterday, they were all playing hide-and-go-seek

Cho: (calling to Mr. Stevens) you'd better come here, sir.

(Harry, Ron and Mr. Stevens run to Cho, who is standing next to a radio, which is switched to the Wizarding Wireless Network).

Radio Broadcaster: Shocking news today! It appears that every last animal on the face of the planet has disappeared! Nobody seems to have any clue who is behind such a heinous act and why, but the planet will have to become vegetarian, tonight at ten.

Mr. Stevens: My God... (Long pause) I'm rich!

Cho: How, sir?

Mr. Stevens: I've got the only animal left on Earth! Do you realize what this means? We're going to have LOADS of visitors! We'll be rich!

(Mr. Stevens walks off smiling and Cho follows, frowning slightly).

Harry: (to Ron) somehow, our wish came true.

Ron: This is great! No more animal poop!

(Cho walks back over to Harry and Ron).

Cho: (Carefully avoiding speaking to Harry) Mr. Stevens is in a good mood today. He says you two can have the rest of the day off. (Walks off to the radio).

Harry and Ron: (simultaneously) awesome!

(Harry and Ron walk off, happily).

Narrator: The happiness was short-lived however, and the next day, Harry and Ron would learn a lesson that would stay with them for the rest of their lives.

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Thanks for reviewing: Eclipsed Irony and Saturn's Candlesticks.


	3. Scene 3

**            Scene 3**

Ron: (staring in a stupor) it wasn't a dream.

Mr. Stevens: It better not be a dream, I'm gonna be rich!

Cho: Come here, quick!

(Harry, Ron and Mr. Stevens run over to Cho).

Narrator: Ever since the animals disappeared, Cho had been listening to the WWN whenever she got the chance.

Cho: Listen...

Radio Broadcaster: Today is a sad, sad day in history, folks!  Butcher shops everywhere are closing down and people protesting animal cruelty have absolutely nothing to do!

Ron: I didn't know this would happen!

Radio Broadcaster: This summer is going to be a warm one!  And more so, since the production of dairy products such as Ice Cream is at a standstill!

Harry: NOOOOOOOO!

Cho: No more ice cream?  That is totally going to ruin my little sister's birthday party next week!

(Cho walks off, shaking her head sadly).

Mr. Stevens: No!  Wasted money?  I just opened a new ice cream stand in the Zoo!

(He storms off to the Crumple-Horned Snorkack's tank).

Harry: Ron, we made a _terrible_ mistake!

Ron: (Sadly) I know...

Harry: How did this happen?  It was just a stupid wish...

Sad Zoo Visitor: Hey, mister!  Where are the Snidgets?  I want to see the Snidgets!

Ron: They're all gone, kid, sorry...

Sad Zoo Visitor: No Snidgets?

(Sad Zoo Visitor begins to cry and runs off).

Harry: Now, because of us, that little kid will never get to see the Snidgets!

Ron: I miss Malalacla Maclaw!

Narrator: But missing animals isn't the only one of Harry and Ron problems...

(Mr. Stevens walks over).

Mr. Stevens: Sorry, boys, but I'm going to have to fire you.  Since the only animal left is Skippy, we're going to need fewer people.

Ron: This really stinks, Harry!  That dumb wish shouldn't even have come true.  I don't even know how it did...

Harry: Skippy.  We were talking to Skippy when we made the wish!  Come on!

(Harry runs over to Skippy's tank and Ron follows him).

Narrator: In order to figure out how the wish came true, Ron decides to try talking to Skippy.

Ron: How did you make our wish come true?

Skippy: eeeeee

Ron: What?

Skippy: eeeeee

Ron: What?

Skippy: eeeeee

Ron: What?

Skippy: eeeeee

(Long pause).

Ron: What?

Harry: That's enough, Ron, we can't understand him.

Ron: I wish everything was back to normal... (pause)  Come on, you stupid, overgrown lump of flesh!  Make everything better again!

(Blaise, Pansy and Draco walk up behind Harry and Ron at Skippy's tank).

Draco: (Sneering) Hey, look - the last three animals on Earth.

Pansy: Animals should be together in times of need.

Blaise: I agree.

(Blaise and Draco push Harry and Ron into Skippy's tank and laugh).

Narrator: Harry and Ron crawl back out of the dolphin tank to a big surprise...

(Bob and Ralph crawl out of the tank and look around.  All of the animals are back in their cages).

Ron: All of the animals are back!

Pansy: What're you _talking_ about?

(Mr. Stevens runs over).

Mr. Stevens: What are you doing?   Don't you EVER throw Clabbert poop!  Blaise, Pansy, Draco... you three are FIRED!

Blaise: But-

Draco: That's not fair!

Pansy: NOOOOO!

(Blaise, Pansy and Draco stomp off angrily and muttering curses).

Mr. Stevens: You can never get good help these days...

Harry: (puzzled) Clabbert poop?  (Pause)  That happened, like, three days ago.

Mr. Stevens: What?  What're you talking about?

Ron: All of the animals are back!

Mr. Stevens: What're you talking about?  They were never gone.  They've _always_ been here.

Ron: Are we re-hired?

Mr. Stevens: Re-hired?  You were never fired.  Are you boys all right?  You seem as though you've knocked a few screws loose.

Harry: We've never been better, sir!

Mr. Stevens: Good, now GET TO WORK!  I told you to clean the Snidget cages at least _four_ times already!

Ron and Harry: (simultaneously) With pleasure!


	4. Scene 4

**Scene 4**

(Harry and Ron are cleaning the Snidget cage).

Ron: I don't get it. Why are we the only ones who remember the animals disappearing?

Harry: Maybe it was because we were the ones who made the wish. Or maybe we were just imagining it...

(Cho walks over to Harry and Ron).

Ron: Hey, Cho! Can you give us a hand?

Cho: What and get disgusting excrement on my suit and under my fingernails? No way, weasel-boy!

(She marches off with her nose in the air).

Ron: Who shoved the stick up _her_ arse?

(Luna comes over).

Luna: Hey, guys! Need some help? I'm done with Skippy for now…

Ron: Sure!

Harry: Thanks Luna!

Luna: No problem. (She begins to help them). Was it just me, or did the animals all disappear except for Skippy for a few days?

(Ron and Harry look at each other, then at Luna).

Ron: (astonished) you remember, too?

Luna: (sarcastically) No, I only brought it up for no reason...

Ron: Oh...

Harry: She's being sarcastic, Ron...

Ron: I knew that!

Luna: So it DID happen... how?

(Harry and Ron look at each other again).

Harry: (shrugs) I don't know...

(Curtain close).

THE END!

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